I explained in my book why this picture is special to me. I love listening to mom talk about our times together, especially the times I don’t remember. As I’ve previously discussed, living with one or both of my parents was something I really wanted to do when I was younger. When I was a little girl, mom told me she wanted me to travel and see all the world has to offer, so that became one of my childhood dreams. I didn’t know exactly how I was gonna execute the plan, but I knew I wanted to travel when I grew up, because mom told me to.
Another one of my childhood dreams was to make my mom proud of me. Even though mom joined the Military a few years before I was born, I think she stayed in to make sure she could provide me with everything I needed while growing up. Thanks to mom, I’ve never wanted for anything. When I was a teenager, I told my mom how grateful I was to have her in my life. I asked mom if she felt guilty for not physically raising me, and was she spoiling me so much as her way of making up for it. She hesitated but said yes. I tried to reassure her that I’d love her even if I didn’t have all that she gave me, but I don’t think there’s anything I can ever do to stop her mom guilt.
I used to feel guilty about being so blessed. Mom literally gave me no excuse to not do well in school or at home. When I was in my first car accident, mom was overseas in Iraq working a contract job with the Military. She planned to surprise the family by coming home for Christmas. We had it worked out that I was gonna pick her up from the airport in Greenville and drive back home that night. Since I was in a car accident the day after Thanksgiving, the surprise plans fell through. I let my mom down. Mom gave me one job and I let her down. My mom couldn’t even surprise her parents because her irresponsible daughter wanted to go to a party. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be her daughter. Good job, SiSi.
Mom returned to the states before my senior year of high school. When I woke up in the hospital from my second car accident, she was the first face I saw. The second was my aunt (and godmother) Nadine. Mom had been at the hospital every day since April 4th. She finally returned to work after missing two weeks to be with me. My mom called one day and Aunt Nadine passed me the phone. I heard my mom say hi and I burst into tears. Aunt Nadine and the nurses thought I was crying because I was high on the pain meds, but I was really crying because all I could think was “damn, I let mom down again”! I pulled myself together and finished our conversation. I’m sure I’ve let my mom down a lot in my life, but I feel like my car accidents were personal attacks to her mental wellbeing. She could've lost me, her baby!
I’ve explained up here how my mom and the women in my family operate with a “logic over emotion” mindset. I love when my mom shows her emotional side, especially towards me. I loved bonding with mom when I was a little girl. In Germany, I remember mom & I watching Booty Call and eating clam chowder together. She covered my eyes during the sex scenes, though. Lol. Listening to music with mom is also something we started when I was younger, and still do today. On a car ride one day when I was little, All My Life by K-Ci & JoJo came on. Mom looked at me and said “I dedicate this song to you, this is our song”. How sweet, right? I like joking with her mow about how she dedicated a love song to her daughter. Lol. In her defense, K-Ci & JoJo are two of her favorite artists, so I get it.
So, when I saw these windmills, I knew it was God reminding me that I was currently fulfilling two of my childhood dreams; I was traveling the world like mom wanted and I was sticking to my plan and making mom proud because I was about to start graduate school. Another reminder through nature that God is always with me.
· Childhood dreams can come true.
Jeremiah 29:11 (GNB) - I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.
How I Apply it to My Life:
· I have a plan for my life, but I know God is in control. I take things one day at a time. I understand that if something is supposed to happen, it will happen at its appointed time.
· K-Ci & JoJo – All My Life
SLIDESHOW: Mommy + Me.