If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know I desperately wanted to live with my parents when I was a little girl. Even though I was loved by my family members, I always felt like I was out of place. I didn’t look like any of my family members, and I often felt like I was just dropped in Engelhard and left for my grandparents to raise me. I struggled with those feelings because I knew I was loved by my parents; I just didn’t feel loved by my parents because I wasn’t able to see them every day.
I look just like my dad. When I was younger, I HATED being told I looked like him. I was already struggling with the fact that I was being raised by my grandparents, but to be constantly reminded that I look just like a person I so deeply wanted to live with angered me in a deep, dark place. I hated being told that so much, I used to look at pictures of my mom to see what features of hers were passed down to me. I like telling myself I have mom's bright eyes and her small ankles, but that’s it. Lol.
No one in my family knew how bad I was struggling emotionally. At a young age, I peeped the “logic over emotion” mentality carried by my family, I just didn’t have the cognitive development mature enough to process my thoughts, feelings, and emotions at that time. Now that I’m older and working in the mental health field, I’m focused on working through my repressed childhood trauma and healing the hurt little girl inside of me. So far, I’ve realized the best way Big SiSi can heal Little SiSi is by talking about Little SiSi’s repressed trauma. Little SiSi’s biggest repressed trauma is her daddy issues. I used to hear the term “daddy issues” and would brush it off because I immediately correlated it to sex and romantic relationships.
But I do have daddy issues. I now correlate “daddy issues” to adult children who have yet to deal with, or are currently dealing with, father-related traumas suffered as children.
Once Pops came in my life (see TRILOGY), I knew I had to fix things with my dad. Pops loved his father and tears up every time he talks about him. Pops stresses the importance of showing your loved ones how much they mean to you. Pops kisses his children often. Pops explained he does this because his father always kissed him. I don’t like being kissed by anyone because it reminds me of the kisses my dad gave me when I was a little girl. Pops gets an exception, though. He explained how much his father’s kisses meant to him and how he wants to pass that same love to his children in the same way his father did to him. So, I appreciate Pops’s kisses. I still frown my face when he kisses me, but he knows that’s more of a reflection of my daddy issues (and my disgust at him kissing me with dip in his mouth, lol) than it is of him kissing me.
I have daddy issues because I look just like a man who didn’t raise me. I have daddy issues because my daddy would call me and tell me how much he loved me, but I wouldn’t see him for months or years at a time even though he was only 12 hours away. I have daddy issues because the same daddy who would give me amazing life advice over the phone wasn’t physically present to teach me those same gems. I have daddy issues because I’m emotional just like my daddy, and sometimes I struggle with practicing patience and understanding his feelings.
Years ago, I decided to make my dad talk to me. On 2 or 3 occasions, I called dad and initiated uncomfortable conversations. They were okay, but there’s wasn’t any healing done. One night I decided to record our conversation and make a video to send to him. I cut down our 60-minute conversation into a 90-second clip of him saying great things to me. He was furious. He called me and was like “why would you record our conversation without my permission”? I was like “well I just wanted you to see things from my perspective and maybe understand where I’m coming from”. After a few intense exchanges, he said “well since I’m such a fucked up father, why don’t I hang up” and he hung up on me.
I wasn’t even mad. I thought about that time he didn’t call me for 6 months (see BEES). I figured I wasn’t gonna talk to him ever again. I was cool with that. But he called me the next day. The beginning conversation was so awkward because we were both still mad with each other. Eventually he said
“when I was younger, my dad was always working and didn’t have time for me, I told myself I wouldn’t be that kind of father when I had kids. With you telling me how you feel about me as a father, I feel like I’m just like him, and that fucked me up”.
Healing happened in that conversation. We took time to listen to each other to understand, not to respond. My dad apologized over and over for the hurt I felt as a child, and for the hurt he caused me over the years. I apologized for making him feel guilty as a father. I assured him that I didn’t think he failed as a father. I explained how I needed to tell him my feelings as a hurt little girl so I wouldn’t carry that same pain and hurt into future relationships.
I now accept the fact I look just like my dad. It still stings a little when someone reminds me, but not as much as it did when I was younger. After talking to mom about this repressed trauma I felt better, but I realized I still have some healing to do in regard to being comfortable with how I look. I now understand just like my mom has mom guilt (see NETHERLANDS), so does my dad. When I was younger, dad would constantly tell me he loves me and would give me amazing advice because he wanted me to understand that distance was the only thing that separated us. His love for me never changed (and never will). I now appreciate the emotion-filled conversations I can have with my daddy without us getting upset with each other.
I was 19 when our healing conversations began. I’m 27 now and still healing from and working through my daddy issues. Dad and I text each other every morning, and we talk on the phone at least twice a month. When I was going through my breakup earlier this year though, I was calling that man like once a week just to sort out my feelings. Lol.
So, when I saw this beautiful leopard slug blocking the entrance into my townhome, I was reminded that just like this beautiful animal was created specifically, fearfully, and wonderfully; so was SiSi. The leopard slug reminded me to be secure about how I look and how I was raised, and to be confident in who I was created to be.
Life Lesson:
· I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalms 139:14 (KJV) - I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
How I Apply it to My Life:
· I remember there’s only one SiSi. I was made in a specific way for a specific reason; I need to embrace it.
Song:
· J. Cole – Daddy’s Little Girl
“She thinks she’s ready for the worlddddd / Just look at daddy’s little girl”
SLIDESHOW: SiSi